Sculpturectomy

Those of you who follow baseball know that the Florida Miami Marlins have a schlocky, noisy, brightly-lit, anamatronic home-run sculpture in left-center at Marlins Park. Then-owner Jeffrey Loria, an art-dealer who has toyed around with owning major-league sports teams, decided to have that obstreperous nuisance installed in time for the park's opening in the spring of 2012.

Understand, first of all, that numerous problems involving the stadium, the financial problems of ownership, and even the way it has been run is reminiscent of a train-wreck down the side of a mountain.

In the case of the home-run "sculpture" (an insult to real sculpture artists), this is an oversize replica of a toddler's light-and-noise-making amusement toy you can buy at Babies-R-Us.  Designed by New York-based artist Red Grooms, the home-run celebration feature cost taxpayers $2.5 million.  This is what Florida residents got in return:

Predictably, it has been roundly ridiculed from the beginning.  Three comments on this Reddit page are noteworthy:

But on Friday, Loria sold the Marlins to an 16-member investment group that includes New York venture capitalist Bruce Sherman, retired New York Yankees baseball hero Derek Jeter, and retired basketball superstar Michael Jordan.  Jeter will reportedly run both the business and baseball operations, although the Miami Herald reported that Sherman will be the "control person."

With the purchase, one point of interest is the absurd home-run light-and-noise machine inside Marlins Park.  CBSsports.com staff writer R.J. Anderson says that the change in ownership might mean the end of the home-run feature:

"On the one paw, the group's distaste of the sculpture makes sense. It's kitschy and as representative of the Loria era as anything. On the other, it's a fun gimmick that provides Marlins Park with its only tinge of character. If the Marlins had a better record in recent years, the sculpture would be held up as a quirky feature rather than a disgraceful bug.

"Assuming Jeter and crew do go forward with their reported plan, the real question is what are they going to do with that thing? Stuff it in a storage area? Donate it to a museum? Sell it at a flea market? Perhaps the logistical nightmare of doing, well, anything with the sculpture will ultimately lead to a change of heart."

Clearly, Marlins Park needs a "sculpturectomy." In order to make sure that this goes away forever, I recommended that the Sherman/Jeter group dispose of that monstrosity by borrowing a stunt from former talk-show host David Letterman: